I’ve been toying about whether to write this post or not but I’ve come to the conclusion that it may help someone, even if that person is myself being able to get it off my chest.
I am finding one of the hardest things about pregnancy is trying to keep going as normal. I have found everything about me and around me change. Physically I am struggling, which is something that is difficult for me to admit. I feel exhausted, sick and drained. My asthma, low blood pressure and inability to keep food down is meaning I need to reduce my activity and take it easy…easier said than done when you work full time and need the money. I have never been one to try and get out of doing things, I always try my best and I’m finding it very hard to ask for and admit to when I need help, in every aspect of my life. This makes me sad. I am also lately finding that I feel very alone. Not so much at home, my husband is very supportive and attentive. More so with most people outside my home.
I have always worked overtime, and now I am only working my full time hours I have more time at home. This is currently a necessity for me as I am struggling at times with just those hours so picking up more is not currently an option. I also need to do full time hours in order to afford and provide for our baby during maternity leave. Admittedly also around my shifts I spend time napping so am not very active and don’t have a lot of energy. However the more time at home I’m having the more I’m noticing how little people actually bother. I can go whole days without any messages from anyone, aside from my husband. This makes me feel sad and alone.
What hasn’t helped I guess is the lack of interest from some about my pregnancy. This is one of the most important things that have ever happened to me and yet I can count on one hand the people that seem to care, and that includes my husband. How hard is it to send a message just to see how we are? Even if people don’t care, they still see themselves as my friend. I’m pretty sure if they had a crisis I would be the first port of call…and yet nothing.
Recently I have had a horrendous couple of days with a vile stomach bug that resulted in a hospital visit due to dehydration. The constant sickness that I have had since day 1 is starting to get to me and I feel more exhausted and drained than ever. Now some of this may be a result of that and things getting to me more than usual. Or some of it may not actually be this and may be justified. I don’t know. All I know is pregnancy is one hell of a lonely time because every pregnancy is different. It helps when people show an interest. I’m guessing that some will read this and feel that it is aimed at them. All I can say to that is I’m still here, and still lonely. If its something you feel is aimed at you then please do something about it! Because its not getting any easier.
I do wonder sometimes how many people with “visit” and “want to have a hold” of the baby when it arrives for the first few weeks. It also makes me wonder how many of those people after the initial few visits will loose interest. It makes me wonder how long it’ll be after the birth until I’m back in the same situation as I am now.
Pregnancy is a blessing, but its a tough, stressful and lonely time for a lot of women. There are some highlights; seeing the scans for example, hearing the heartbeats and feeling the kicks. But for me currently these are few and far between and I feel guilty about feeling that way. I have tried so hard to get pregnant and now I am I’m struggling and I feel so bad about that. I just want to fast forward time until the little one is here and I can start feeling more normal again. I feel guilty about admitting that its hard, and that I’m not enjoying much about the experience so far because I feel so damn low all the time. I feel guilty about feeling that way because I know how lucky I am and I know that some people cant have children. Its something that I think every pregnant woman feels at some stage, and I don’t think we should feel guilty about this. Its ok to admit things are harder than we thought they would be. Its just a shame that when this time comes there are few people to share how we feel and to talk about it with.
I know this is a bit of a ramble but I guess what I’m asking for is for people to care and to understand that things are difficult right now. I’m asking for a bit of slack. I’m also trying to reach out to women in the same situation as me and to say you are not alone in feeling this way. It in no way reflects on you as a person or a mother. Its just part and parcel of being pregnant.
I hope this helps someone, whether its someone who is going through the same, or someone close to me who doesn’t realise what this is like. I hope someone out there gets something positive from this post.