Well we just had a lovely holiday away. It was lush, however upon my return I foolishly did a pregnancy test. No surprises to hear I am not pregnant. Again.
It’s becoming heartbreaking every time I see a negative result but for some reason it’s becoming a bit of an addiction with me. I need to take them just in case. I guess thats my anxiety. Even though each and every time serves as a remind that I can’t even be female properly. It makes me feel so helpless. And there’s nothing I can do to change it. There’s nothing anyone can say to make me feel any better. It just is.
It’s consuming everything at the moment. All those years of trying not to get pregnant unknowing that it was in fact not a possibility, seem so foolish now. The fact that I have no control over my choice to start a family just seems so unfair. How is it some people can just have kids whenever they want to and yet others like me have to face the possibility of not having any. Zilch. Niente. Why can some women have kids when I’m sat here so barren not even a tumbleweed can grow.
Right now my ovaries are just useless lumps of non egg releasing rubbish…and my womb is more barren than the Sahara. I hate my body at the best of times but lately it’s gone to a whole new level.
I just can’t woman.