Journey, Insights and birthdays

So its been nearly 4 weeks since I came off one lot of my medications. As time is going on I’m finding the side effects of doing so are slowly starting to reduce and as a result I feel much more myself than I have for months. Oddly the effects of my anxiety dog are not as profound as they were either. Maybe I really am on the mend from my latest battle.

My personal goal is to try and become meds free again, easier said than done really. The biggest thing with me is my self esteem and confidence, however the positive little voices in my head are starting to come back and reason with my negativity on occasions. Its difficult at times, sometimes I do still get the occasional time where all I can seem to think about is how shit and rubbish I am. Lately it seems to be triggered by specific things rather than just constant negativity which does not seem to be triggered by anything. This is another sign for me that I am improving. Ok the triggers may still be slightly irrational at times but even so, it is triggered. I’m not constantly giving myself shit all the time which is good, for me.

My confidence still needs vast improvement. The thing is with my II, is I can only see how bad I was when I start to get better. In a way its a relief, I know I’m starting to pick myself up again and start moving forward into hopefully a more positive period. However then comes the guilt, of how I’ve behaved and how I haven’t been myself. For me its when I can really see who matter and who don’t. And as a sidenote, it is true what they say. Being friends with someone with depression (or anxiety) really is one of the most noble things you can do. The reason being is because you haven’t given up and walked away. You’ve been there and loved the person anyway and that is a big massive help, even if it doesn’t appear to be appreciated at the time! It will be appreciated in the future when the individual looks back. Or at least with me, it has been appreciated so thanks, you are truly awesome.

For the most part I seem to be well on the way to achieving my personal goal. For me its something that seems to happen in cycles, so I am used to weaning myself off the medication, it does take a lot but I’ve done it a fair few times now. I haven’t even approached the idea of reducing the anxiety medication. Mainly because I’m getting use to not having the depression meds, I don’t want to end up taking on too much and right back where I started. This is the trouble really its not quite as easy as you might think. I guess the body comes to rely on them and without them it has to get used to functioning without. I’m happy to take my time and be patient, its a comfort to me that so far I seem to be doing pretty well. The longer I’m lasting the easier it is, and that to me is a wonderful change.

So anyway that’s me updating you on my mental health. Its going good for a change so fingers crossed and I will let you know my progress. On a lighter note I am now on annual leave so I am looking forward to spending some time with my husband and friends. My birthday is in a few days, it was something I had been dreading (as mentioned in a previous post) due to the changes that have happened in my life in the last year. However I must say I recently had an “insight” and without going into too much detail, I have come to realise that I really have moved on from past situations. Its one of those things that I’ve been through the worst and am starting to come out of the other end. For that I am thankful, and I can return to the child like excitement that I usually associate with getting another year older!

Well that’s it really, not much else I have to say. Ill catch you later

C xXx

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