The “S” word

So its been 2 weeks now since I’ve been off one of my medications. On the whole I have felt ok, but recently I had another episode where my black depression dog decided to come calling after a couple of weeks of absence. I do feel a tad deflated by this, but I am lucky in that I have a good support network. I am willing to regroup and step forwards in the hope that I can continue. Step forwards and don’t look back. I’ve managed two weeks so far, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. To me that’s a big achievement.

In light of the return of the depression dog, I have decided to try and explain what this means. I have toyed a lot with whether or not to write about this but I decided that this blog was written to raise awareness, and that means reading things that may not be nice. This is going to be one of those blogs, and is going to be discussing self harm and suicide. If you feel that you may be upset or affected by this then please read no further!

So as stated above, I recently had another depressive episode. Theres no particular cause for it really, its just happened. I do feel a little bit deflated as I had been doing well for a couple of weeks, but it was just one of those things. For those who do not know what this is like I will explain.

When I feel depressed it is all consuming. I take it out on people, and on myself. It feels like all the happiness has disappeared and that I feel despair that I will always be fighting the same battle. I have no energy, and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel physical pain, when people say your heart breaks that’s exactly how it feels. Its a sharp stabbing pain that manifests itself in my chest, I don’t know why, all I know is that I can’t do anything but cry. I can’t look after myself, and take no interest in food, drink or personal hygiene. All that exists is me, bundled up in a corner, crying. Sometimes I just want to run away because I feel I am a burden on people and that I don’t deserve kindness or love, because I am a bad person. Sometimes I seriously have considered taking my own life, because its the only way at the time that I feel my pain will stop. Yes folks, I have considered suicide.

Suicide. Yes, I said it again. Noone wants to talk about it, no one wants to hear about it but I will say it from the fucking rooftops if I have to, to get people to understand what that means! Why are we afraid to talk about it? Why does everyone cower at the word? Why have I always been afraid to say to people if I feel that I want to die? Well mainly because I am scared of being judged.

Suicide is one of the hardest things to admit that you have considered. Myself personally I have considered it many times over the past years. For me this is what my depression does. I feel in physical pain, emotional pain, vunerable and weak and I will do anything to escape how I feel on these occasions. Sometimes in these emotional states I feel that running away or suicide is the only option. And for those that think this is drama, its not. Its the truth.

So why haven’t I? Well one, I fear what happens after death. Two I fear that it will go wrong and I will have to face what I have attempted. They are very selfish thoughts for me to have, considering that there are people that it would affect. My problems would be over, but theirs would be ongoing. But in this state I find that I am incapable of thinking of anyone else but myself. This is because in my head no one cares about me and everyone would have a little party in my absence because they would be relieved from having me as a burden.

There is an underlying fear of admitting to considering to self harm or taking your own life. No one wants to feel that low that the only way to feel better is to physically abuse yourself. But it happens, and its a lot more common then you might think. I am lucky. I have felt suicidal a few times but thankfully something has always happened to snap me out of it. I am thankful for that. To me it has become something I am used to facing and dealing with over the years. Its always the oddest things that stop me, because at the time the whole process makes no sense. I remember once not committing suicide because someone would have to find me the next day and I wouldn’t want to freak them out! Another time I didn’t want to because the following day I had to meet someone for a coffee and I didn’t want them to think I didn’t like them. Its never the most logical reasoning. You know the bit where your spouse, family, friends would be hysterical and miss you, and that you are loved by people. Its always the illogical with me. Spock would certainly not enjoy the reasoning in my brain, I can assure you. The whole thought of self harm and suicide is illogical. And I think that’s where the fear comes from. By admitting to actively hurting yourself or even considering doing so, leaves you wide open for stigma and gossip.

Many fear what they cant understand. But here’s the secret…as someone who has considered suicide in the past, we don’t understand it either! And we are just as afraid and terrified. It can be very isolating. Who do you turn to? Will people believe you and help or will they think its a cry for attention? What if people turn away because they think you are mad? These are all questions that mean we fear to talk about it. We just bottle it up and deal with it. Sadly for some this means we don’t get the help, and it becomes too late. I am so thankful that I am one of the lucky few that so far has not reached that point. But sadly it does happen. In a society that is evolving in some ways, in others we are still in the stone ages. Judging people on mental health is one of the problems still affecting many people today.

I would love to live in a society where people can express their feelings freely without the stigma attached to it. I don’t feel personally that this is the case as of yet. I myself have been judged in the past as a result of people hearing about my “mental health” and its not pleasant. It has developed a fear inside of myself about telling people, and I don’t consider myself as one of the worst sufferers. I guess what I really want is as per usual to raise awareness and make people think. I also want to offer my support to anyone else that may feel like this. You are not alone, I promise.

C xXx

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