Hi all
Well I’ve not written in a while as I have had a lot going on behind the scenes, but felt it was time for an update. I have recently had something occur that has made me look at my life in a different way. I wont go into the ins and outs here as I am aware that I am posting online and feel it would not be appropriate. However I would like to share my views with you and highlight the importance of those around me and how much they can influence my journey.
When you suffer from invisible illnesses it is very often seen as a private battle to both you and those around you. However sometimes it is not. The people that you surround yourself with can have a massive influence on your journey, regardless of what illness you suffer from. I would like to create some awareness for this for both fellow II (Invisible Illness) sufferers and those who may know someone suffering. I would like to make everyone think about how much the people around you can affect you, in some cases quite a lot. Also I would like to make you all think, if there is someone that appears to be negatively influencing our progress, why do we let them?
I have had an II for many years, being first diagnosed at the age of 17. It is something that for me will probably never go away, but instead will go through cycles of being good for a while (in that I can control it and manage it) and of being royally shit (where I need more help to manage it such as medication). For me this is my personal journey through depression and anxiety, and I like to picture it as a rollercoaster, simple enough, just remember there are lots of ups and downs. I am not at all hinting that anyone else’s journey should or in fact does mirror mine, this is just my own personal situation. Sometimes my downs are sparked by very little, but sometimes, in fact most of the time they are sparked by the people around me. Sadly I value too much of what people think about me and how I fit within society. This is my problem. Why do I value such trivial things?
This latest down in my II rollercoaster, was in fact triggered by the people around me. I have made no secret of the fact that I have recently had a falling out with some people who were very close to me. I will not go into details on here as I do not wish to implicate people or situations. Regardless I felt abandoned and lost by them, which to me was a devastating blow. Now many of you that know me would understand this in detail but to those that don’t, this was the final nail in a coffin that has spanned for quite a few years. It was also the final tipping point after many different issues that sent me downwards into my blip. Now in a sense it is my fault for letting it have that much of an affect on me. However it is very difficult when something like this happens to you. You loose confidence, self esteem and trust in those around you. For me personally, this meant over analysing, stressing, crying and breaking inside. Its been shit quite frankly.
This is where the people around me have also helped me for the better. When I am in the dips in my II rollercoaster, I withdraw completely. I feel that I am not worthy of anyone and at times this can lead me to lashing out to those closest to me, and acting downright insane! I personally try to make a desperate bid to hide my II and struggles from people, but a lot of the time it ends up being glaringly obvious, especially to those that know me well.
My husband (at the start of the latest blip my fiancé) knows this all too well. Sadly as he was the closest to me he suffered the brunt of a lot of my mood swings. Its something I feel so guilty about but it was beyond my control at the time. He’s seen the sobbing, the frustration and the confusion of the worst moments of my life. He was there for hugs and to rant at when I needed it. He was there to make me feel loved and protected. Despite how difficult it has been for him…he still chose to marry me. He saw beyond it all, and as a result of his love and support, I am also starting to see beyond it. He is my absolute rock, and because of his support I was able to seek the help I needed. Because of his help and patience I have made a lot of positive progress regarding my black dogs. His faith in me and love has resulted in me starting to really value myself as a person. I can’t thank him enough for that.
My friends have seen me in this blip more than they have before. Mainly because the last 12 months have been one of the worst emotional blows I have had to endure. They have seen me question everything. They have valued me enough to be there at the end of the phone regardless of what time it is, when it is etc. They have worked with my husband to support me, and in so doing have also offered him support too. They’ve seen me as a down right psycho bitch from hell…but yet…they are still here. They are still my friends. They still call me, text me or visit me regardless of how far away they may be. This weekend alone I had a visit from a friend who shamefully saw me in this blip in a way they had not seen me before. And yet I wasn’t judged. I was offered kindness and support. The same kindness and support has been shown by all of my friends, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. Not only for the love and support you show to me but also to my husband.
The people above are the people that have helped me so far start to get up out of this blip. I am in no way cured but I have started to really see that I matter to people, and that is the start of what it takes to break the cycle of my dogs. I still have a long way to go. Recently I had to swallow more judgements and negative views from others, about me. Before this small bit of progress, I would have taken these viewpoints to heart, and stewed over them, and believed them. For the first time in months, I haven’t. There has been a voice that has said, why? why are you bothered? They are not important in your life, they don’t know you enough to even make such judgements. And you know what? The voices were right!
I am not saying that the cause for II is always those around you. It wasn’t wholly the cause for my latest blip (but was a major triggering factor). But what I will say is that II can make someone feel very isolated and alone. However with time, the ones that love you can help change the way you view your situation. Those that really care and really deserve to influence your mood, will make themselves apparent. Not with a big fanfare, but with the little things in life. The kind words, the jokes, the texts, the giggles but most of all the PATIENCE. When the time is right you will be able to reflect on that and realise that you are not as alone as you thought, and that people really do care. This in itself can be enough to help someone break the cycles that they are currently in, and start to change how they reflect on life.
Those that are supporting people with an invisible illness, thankyou. You really do make a difference. Love and patience can genuinely help. Those that have supported me personally, thankyou. I love you all and I want you to know the difference that you have all made. The support network around me is incredible, and I could not be more grateful, or more determined to get better as a result.
Love to you all
C xxx
The things noone tells you 