There are many times where I feel controlled by my two “black dogs”. Lately they are following me everywhere. Sometimes their voices are quiet and I can drown them out, these are my good days. These good days make me feel how I should, confident, young, happy and free. I can appreciate these good days because they are such a blessing. I live for these times.
However there are times where my black dogs stalk me everywhere i go. The weight of them drags me down. I feel like a shadow of myself. I have to put on a show to the world, to make them believe Im having a good day. On these days i feel old before my time, exhausted to the point where im in physical pain. Im anxious and terrified. I would like nothing more on these days then to curl up and sob. I need to wear a mask and pretend. The mask takes energy, but i am ashamed of how i feel on these days so i feel its important to keep to myself. The mask to me is necessary because in my mind i shouldnt feel this way. I have no reason to and i dont deserve to feel how i do…right?
Wrong. You dont need a reason. It just happens. Still it doesnt make me feel any better.
Today i have felt shit. But in my musing state i had a thought. Can having them be positive in some way?
Well yee. I guess they can. They give me compassion. They help me recognise other peoples black dogs.They make me see the bigger picture. If i see a change in someone, if they are showing the signs i know when to offer compassion and to see the bigger picture. I see the world through blue coloured glass. This to me is a great comfort. The thought that i can, at times, recognise the dogs of others makes me feel more positive toward mine. It makes me feel i can live with them. I am under no illusion that they will every truly leave me, they will always be circling me, but if they can help me support others to live with theirs then maybe this can be my positive. I know when to offer support not criticism, i just wish everyone else could.
The message i guess im saying is sometimes its important to ask why. Many of us who fall victim to the black dog find this comes naturally, and perhaps this gives us compassion and understanding. Perhaps with this in mind, they are not all bad after all…
Who am i kidding? They suck and i still hate them, but trying to find my positive has worked a little…for now!
Love c xxx
(Black dogs are depression and anxiety)